What do you do?

What are you supposed to do when you don't fit in at "home" anymore? What are you supposed to do when everything you used to do as "routine" seems so foreign and strange? What are you supposed to do when you constantly feel like you just don't belong anymore?

I have been wrestling with these questions the last few weeks. I was hoping that it would be an easy transition home but it just hasn't.

It is hard living life in the present when your heart is miles away. 

It is hard to go to class and learn how to care for others when you could be practicing it on those who need it most.

It is hard taking a shower every morning and eating good food every day knowing the children that you love more than anything are bathing in with rain water and eating food that is anything but nutritious. 

These are just a few of the things that have made this transition so difficult. 

As hard as all of this has been...the worst part is watching my heart slowly become distracted by this world. 

When we were in Africa, it was so easy to fully rely on the Lord because He was all we had. 

There were days where I was so exhausted and the only way I got strength was relying on God to provide (and He always did). 

There were times when the weight of all that I saw at the clinics and hospitals weighed so heavily on me that the only way to be relieved was to trust that God was completely in control. 

When I was drained, He provided. 

When I needed to laugh, He gave me beautiful children to cheer me up. 

When I didn't feel like showing His love, He gave me a teammate that was fired up to share the gospel. When I was questioning, He brought a room full of lost people eager to hear and receive. 

I loved that. 

I loved being so empty and so drained and having to rely on my Savior because that was all I had.

Since being back, I have been so convicted about my lack of dependence on my Savior. 

When I am weak here, I go get nutritious food and I feel better.

When I need to get something, I get in my car and can have it in minutes.

When I am frustrated, I go to my friends. 

When I need to laugh, I watch a funny movie. 

Sometimes I am scared that I don't need my Savior here. I too easily get distracted and busy and I neglect my relationship with Him. I hate this. I want to be back in the simple life, I want to need His presence every moment. I want to be so broken that I can only find restoration and strength in Him. 

I think that when you are in a different country and serving, you get this mindset of having to be "on" all the time. You see every person as someone who needs the Lord and you do your best to show the love of Jesus in everything you do. This is wonderful! It is so important to be a reflection of Jesus to everyone that we encounter. The problem comes when you get home and you turn that switch off. 

That's what I did. I worked so hard at giving everything of myself to everyone I encountered. I knew I only had weeks with them so I wanted to be sure that they saw Jesus and that they felt His love through me. But that shouldn't have ended there. No matter where I am there are people searching for the truth. It doesn't matter what country I find myself in, people are lost and looking for the answer, the answer that is only found in Christ. 

SO, I can no longer just live casually in America waiting to get back to Africa. I have to completely live in the moment here and give completely of myself to the lost here. I have to treat every person I come into contact with as a person that is lost and looking for a Savior. No matter where I am, I have to be reflection of my Lord and Savior. The Lord has me in Indianapolis for a reason and I need to be willing and content to be used by Him in whatever way He desires. 

I am a daughter of the King. I live to bring glory to His name. In America and in Africa. To God be the glory. 

I miss...

I had no idea I could miss something so much.
I miss waking up after a night wrapped in fabric.
I miss bucket baths because there is no running water.
I miss walking in the red dirt on my way to breakfast.
I miss hearing "auntie Mary" in the morning &waiting for the kids to run up the path & give me morning hugs.
I miss helping the kids tie their shoes and put on their uniforms.
I miss the smell of the dirt after an afternoon rain.
I miss walking the children home from school.
I miss pumping the well for water and dancing by the "pipe".
I miss the anticipation of jollof rice for dinner and the excitement of fresh pineapple and mango for dessert.
I miss the long truck drives to the villages.
I miss worshiping my Savior with new believers.
I miss seeing the joy on a face that understands the love of Jesus for the first time.
I miss holding a baby minutes after it is born.
I miss carrying sleeping babies on my back wrapped in fabric.
I miss the hustle and bustle of the market.
I miss the excitement of finding a new fabric that we love.
I miss watching the children's faces light up when we would give them stickers or a balloon.
I miss drawing pictures and coloring with the kids at night.
I miss the feel of two or three hands in mine.
I miss watching the stars and seeing the milky way.
I miss the thunderstorms.
I miss the sunsets.
I miss the mountains.
I miss the moms and the joy of talking with them.
I miss watching the women make fufu.
I miss the clinic and improvising in medicine.
I miss the reliance on my Savior for strength.
I miss the simplicity of life.
I miss milo.
I miss the chickens and the goats.
I miss showers in the rain.
I miss hearing "Obroni" on my walk to the clinic.
I miss visiting Auntie V and Oscar.
I miss the joy of watching a movie on the laptop.
I miss the excitement of emails from home.
I miss the beautiful coast.
I miss Gladys.
I miss my new home.
I miss Africa.

I wish...

I had no idea how difficult it would be to process my experiences this summer.
It is so hard to put into words all the things that I saw.
It is hard to adequately portray the way the Lord changed my heart.
It is almost impossible for me to summarize into mere paragraphs the people and places that I absolutely fell in love with.

I wish that everyone could experience the summer that I had.
I wish that everyone could see the world the way I now see it.
I wish that everyone could have the chance to love on the children I met.
I wish that everyone's hearts would ache for the lost.
I wish that everyone would have a desire to share the gospel with those who need it most.
I wish...

I can wish all day, but these things I know for sure:

•  I am a daughter of the King [Jn 1:12]. 
•  I rest safely in His hands [Lk 23:46]. 
• When I am weak and think I can't go on, He gives me strength [Is. 40:29]. 
• When I feel defeated and crushed by the world, I take heart because He has overcome the world      [Jn.16:33]. 
• When I feel alone, I remember the cross and rest in God's never ending love [Jn 3:16]. 
• When I feel inadequate, I remember that I am God's workmanship, made perfectly to bear fruit   [Eph. 2:10, Jn. 15:16] 
• When I get too comfortable in this world, I remember that I am not a citizen of this world..my home is in heaven. [Phil. 3:20]

Remembering these truths has been crucial to readjusting to American culture. I never thought it would be difficult to come back to the place I grew up, the place I have always called home. 

The other day, I went to walmart and I almost cried from being so overwhelmed. I cannot count the amount of times I have been to walmart, but this time it was different. This time, I could not stop thinking of all the kids I met that would love to have just one thing from that store. I imagined taking them to the store with me and watching their faces as they experience the toy aisle, the candy aisle, and the clothes section. I imagined buying them new shoes, shirts, and toy cars to play with. I can just see their beautiful faces light up as they see the brand new items that are all theirs. It broke my heart to think that they will never be able to experience that. They will never get to do something that I think is so routine. 

Instead, they find joy in dragging around an old sardines container filled with sand and balls made of collected trash. When we gave them toy cars, stickers, and balloons, you would've thought we were handing out gold. 

I pray that one day, I will learn to see the world from these children's eyes. I pray that one day I will have the kind of faith in my Savior that sees beauty and joy in the "stickers" without needing the "Walmart". I pray that  I will never forget. I pray that I will always choose truth over comfort and challenge over complacency. 

To God be the Glory great things He has done!