What do you do?

What are you supposed to do when you don't fit in at "home" anymore? What are you supposed to do when everything you used to do as "routine" seems so foreign and strange? What are you supposed to do when you constantly feel like you just don't belong anymore?

I have been wrestling with these questions the last few weeks. I was hoping that it would be an easy transition home but it just hasn't.

It is hard living life in the present when your heart is miles away. 

It is hard to go to class and learn how to care for others when you could be practicing it on those who need it most.

It is hard taking a shower every morning and eating good food every day knowing the children that you love more than anything are bathing in with rain water and eating food that is anything but nutritious. 

These are just a few of the things that have made this transition so difficult. 

As hard as all of this has been...the worst part is watching my heart slowly become distracted by this world. 

When we were in Africa, it was so easy to fully rely on the Lord because He was all we had. 

There were days where I was so exhausted and the only way I got strength was relying on God to provide (and He always did). 

There were times when the weight of all that I saw at the clinics and hospitals weighed so heavily on me that the only way to be relieved was to trust that God was completely in control. 

When I was drained, He provided. 

When I needed to laugh, He gave me beautiful children to cheer me up. 

When I didn't feel like showing His love, He gave me a teammate that was fired up to share the gospel. When I was questioning, He brought a room full of lost people eager to hear and receive. 

I loved that. 

I loved being so empty and so drained and having to rely on my Savior because that was all I had.

Since being back, I have been so convicted about my lack of dependence on my Savior. 

When I am weak here, I go get nutritious food and I feel better.

When I need to get something, I get in my car and can have it in minutes.

When I am frustrated, I go to my friends. 

When I need to laugh, I watch a funny movie. 

Sometimes I am scared that I don't need my Savior here. I too easily get distracted and busy and I neglect my relationship with Him. I hate this. I want to be back in the simple life, I want to need His presence every moment. I want to be so broken that I can only find restoration and strength in Him. 

I think that when you are in a different country and serving, you get this mindset of having to be "on" all the time. You see every person as someone who needs the Lord and you do your best to show the love of Jesus in everything you do. This is wonderful! It is so important to be a reflection of Jesus to everyone that we encounter. The problem comes when you get home and you turn that switch off. 

That's what I did. I worked so hard at giving everything of myself to everyone I encountered. I knew I only had weeks with them so I wanted to be sure that they saw Jesus and that they felt His love through me. But that shouldn't have ended there. No matter where I am there are people searching for the truth. It doesn't matter what country I find myself in, people are lost and looking for the answer, the answer that is only found in Christ. 

SO, I can no longer just live casually in America waiting to get back to Africa. I have to completely live in the moment here and give completely of myself to the lost here. I have to treat every person I come into contact with as a person that is lost and looking for a Savior. No matter where I am, I have to be reflection of my Lord and Savior. The Lord has me in Indianapolis for a reason and I need to be willing and content to be used by Him in whatever way He desires. 

I am a daughter of the King. I live to bring glory to His name. In America and in Africa. To God be the glory.