What do you do?

What are you supposed to do when you don't fit in at "home" anymore? What are you supposed to do when everything you used to do as "routine" seems so foreign and strange? What are you supposed to do when you constantly feel like you just don't belong anymore?

I have been wrestling with these questions the last few weeks. I was hoping that it would be an easy transition home but it just hasn't.

It is hard living life in the present when your heart is miles away. 

It is hard to go to class and learn how to care for others when you could be practicing it on those who need it most.

It is hard taking a shower every morning and eating good food every day knowing the children that you love more than anything are bathing in with rain water and eating food that is anything but nutritious. 

These are just a few of the things that have made this transition so difficult. 

As hard as all of this has been...the worst part is watching my heart slowly become distracted by this world. 

When we were in Africa, it was so easy to fully rely on the Lord because He was all we had. 

There were days where I was so exhausted and the only way I got strength was relying on God to provide (and He always did). 

There were times when the weight of all that I saw at the clinics and hospitals weighed so heavily on me that the only way to be relieved was to trust that God was completely in control. 

When I was drained, He provided. 

When I needed to laugh, He gave me beautiful children to cheer me up. 

When I didn't feel like showing His love, He gave me a teammate that was fired up to share the gospel. When I was questioning, He brought a room full of lost people eager to hear and receive. 

I loved that. 

I loved being so empty and so drained and having to rely on my Savior because that was all I had.

Since being back, I have been so convicted about my lack of dependence on my Savior. 

When I am weak here, I go get nutritious food and I feel better.

When I need to get something, I get in my car and can have it in minutes.

When I am frustrated, I go to my friends. 

When I need to laugh, I watch a funny movie. 

Sometimes I am scared that I don't need my Savior here. I too easily get distracted and busy and I neglect my relationship with Him. I hate this. I want to be back in the simple life, I want to need His presence every moment. I want to be so broken that I can only find restoration and strength in Him. 

I think that when you are in a different country and serving, you get this mindset of having to be "on" all the time. You see every person as someone who needs the Lord and you do your best to show the love of Jesus in everything you do. This is wonderful! It is so important to be a reflection of Jesus to everyone that we encounter. The problem comes when you get home and you turn that switch off. 

That's what I did. I worked so hard at giving everything of myself to everyone I encountered. I knew I only had weeks with them so I wanted to be sure that they saw Jesus and that they felt His love through me. But that shouldn't have ended there. No matter where I am there are people searching for the truth. It doesn't matter what country I find myself in, people are lost and looking for the answer, the answer that is only found in Christ. 

SO, I can no longer just live casually in America waiting to get back to Africa. I have to completely live in the moment here and give completely of myself to the lost here. I have to treat every person I come into contact with as a person that is lost and looking for a Savior. No matter where I am, I have to be reflection of my Lord and Savior. The Lord has me in Indianapolis for a reason and I need to be willing and content to be used by Him in whatever way He desires. 

I am a daughter of the King. I live to bring glory to His name. In America and in Africa. To God be the glory. 

I miss...

I had no idea I could miss something so much.
I miss waking up after a night wrapped in fabric.
I miss bucket baths because there is no running water.
I miss walking in the red dirt on my way to breakfast.
I miss hearing "auntie Mary" in the morning &waiting for the kids to run up the path & give me morning hugs.
I miss helping the kids tie their shoes and put on their uniforms.
I miss the smell of the dirt after an afternoon rain.
I miss walking the children home from school.
I miss pumping the well for water and dancing by the "pipe".
I miss the anticipation of jollof rice for dinner and the excitement of fresh pineapple and mango for dessert.
I miss the long truck drives to the villages.
I miss worshiping my Savior with new believers.
I miss seeing the joy on a face that understands the love of Jesus for the first time.
I miss holding a baby minutes after it is born.
I miss carrying sleeping babies on my back wrapped in fabric.
I miss the hustle and bustle of the market.
I miss the excitement of finding a new fabric that we love.
I miss watching the children's faces light up when we would give them stickers or a balloon.
I miss drawing pictures and coloring with the kids at night.
I miss the feel of two or three hands in mine.
I miss watching the stars and seeing the milky way.
I miss the thunderstorms.
I miss the sunsets.
I miss the mountains.
I miss the moms and the joy of talking with them.
I miss watching the women make fufu.
I miss the clinic and improvising in medicine.
I miss the reliance on my Savior for strength.
I miss the simplicity of life.
I miss milo.
I miss the chickens and the goats.
I miss showers in the rain.
I miss hearing "Obroni" on my walk to the clinic.
I miss visiting Auntie V and Oscar.
I miss the joy of watching a movie on the laptop.
I miss the excitement of emails from home.
I miss the beautiful coast.
I miss Gladys.
I miss my new home.
I miss Africa.

I wish...

I had no idea how difficult it would be to process my experiences this summer.
It is so hard to put into words all the things that I saw.
It is hard to adequately portray the way the Lord changed my heart.
It is almost impossible for me to summarize into mere paragraphs the people and places that I absolutely fell in love with.

I wish that everyone could experience the summer that I had.
I wish that everyone could see the world the way I now see it.
I wish that everyone could have the chance to love on the children I met.
I wish that everyone's hearts would ache for the lost.
I wish that everyone would have a desire to share the gospel with those who need it most.
I wish...

I can wish all day, but these things I know for sure:

•  I am a daughter of the King [Jn 1:12]. 
•  I rest safely in His hands [Lk 23:46]. 
• When I am weak and think I can't go on, He gives me strength [Is. 40:29]. 
• When I feel defeated and crushed by the world, I take heart because He has overcome the world      [Jn.16:33]. 
• When I feel alone, I remember the cross and rest in God's never ending love [Jn 3:16]. 
• When I feel inadequate, I remember that I am God's workmanship, made perfectly to bear fruit   [Eph. 2:10, Jn. 15:16] 
• When I get too comfortable in this world, I remember that I am not a citizen of this world..my home is in heaven. [Phil. 3:20]

Remembering these truths has been crucial to readjusting to American culture. I never thought it would be difficult to come back to the place I grew up, the place I have always called home. 

The other day, I went to walmart and I almost cried from being so overwhelmed. I cannot count the amount of times I have been to walmart, but this time it was different. This time, I could not stop thinking of all the kids I met that would love to have just one thing from that store. I imagined taking them to the store with me and watching their faces as they experience the toy aisle, the candy aisle, and the clothes section. I imagined buying them new shoes, shirts, and toy cars to play with. I can just see their beautiful faces light up as they see the brand new items that are all theirs. It broke my heart to think that they will never be able to experience that. They will never get to do something that I think is so routine. 

Instead, they find joy in dragging around an old sardines container filled with sand and balls made of collected trash. When we gave them toy cars, stickers, and balloons, you would've thought we were handing out gold. 

I pray that one day, I will learn to see the world from these children's eyes. I pray that one day I will have the kind of faith in my Savior that sees beauty and joy in the "stickers" without needing the "Walmart". I pray that  I will never forget. I pray that I will always choose truth over comfort and challenge over complacency. 

To God be the Glory great things He has done!

Processing my Summer Part 1

It is hard to believe that a little over a week ago I was in Ghana. I was serving, living, loving and learning. It is hard to believe how much I have changed in these last eight weeks. When I boarded the plane to Florida eight weeks ago, I had no idea my heart could grow so much or my life be changed so clearly. I left America so unsure of what God was doing and I have returned still unsure but not scared. I know in whom I have believed and I am sure that He will be faithful to me. I have trusted in Him and He will make my path straight. I have seen Him clearly work in my life and I will continue to surrender to Him and let Him lead me.

I have been in America almost a week and I am still processing everything that happened during my time in Ghana. It is going to take me a very long time to reconcile all of the contrasts that I experienced during time. However, I thought I would do my best at recapping part of my time so you have a better idea of what I did everyday.

We started out as a team of nine in the capital city of Accra. The team consisted of 5 pre-med students, two nursing students, a future marine, and a future pastor. After a few days transitioning in Accra, we left for a small village about 9 hours away. The village was located at the foot of the mountains right on the border with Ivory Coast.

Everyday we would walk to the local clinic and work there for the morning. It was a small clinic and the only one for miles. The staff was two nurses, a midwife, pharmacist, lab tech, office workers and a few assistants. For the resources they had, they did an incredible job. It was such a pleasure to learn from them and to be able to assist in multiple different ways.

Throughout our time at the village clinic, I was able to assist with multiple births, draw blood, give IV's, stitches, etc. It was an incredible time of learning as well us understanding how to improvise when the resources are not sufficient. I enjoyed the pace and the people at the clinic so much. I loved being able to actively help the people physically, but then also following up and helping them spiritually as well. You can help people physically all you want, but if you do not share the gospel with them, it means nothing. On the other hand, how can you tell someone about God's love if they have never experienced love before. While on this trip, I learned the beauty of Matthew 25. I have seen the importance of clothing the naked, feeding the hungry, healing the sick and then sharing with them about the only Creator, our Loving Father, the Great Physician.

I have so much more to share but I've said alot already. I will update more tomorrow! Thanks again for all the prayers and support! There were days where I could literally feel the prayers and they were so needed.

                                    

Goodbyes

I hate saying goodbye. I hate knowing that it is not just a "see you later". But I would have much rather had these last few weeks of learning and living and then goodbyes than never experiencing any of it at all. I have learned more than I have ever learned in five weeks. God has stretched me and molded me and He is making me more like Himself. I had no idea that my heart could love the way that it has and it will take a long time to stop missing the kids and the people that I have fallen in love with here. We are spending our last week here at the beach doing a lot more touristy relaxing things and I'm not complaining about that at all. I can't wait to be home and show pictures and tell the stories of all that I have seen and experienced. I love you all! Mary

Real People

Before coming on this trip, I had heard a lot of stories of human suffering and seen a lot of pictures of children dying far to early. But it wasn’t until I saw it firsthand that it became real. The stories that you hear are real, the people in them are real. Real people with names and faces. People are dying everyday from preventable diseases. Children are suffering and dying because of their parent’s lack of simple education. They do not understand therefore, they do nothing.

 I have seen a baby born to a mom who didn’t care and then hours later die because of a lack of resources. I have seen a 8.3lb one month old literally starve to death because her mother didn’t understand how to properly breastfeed. I have seen a 1 and a 14 yr old die of malaria because their fevers got so high and their parents waited too long to take them to the hospital. I have seen a 12 yr old dying from HIV/AIDS, the same disease that killed his parents just months earlier. I have literally seen hundreds of people suffering from a disease that because of sanitation and prevention is virtually non-existent in America.

All of these things are too much for me to try to understand in a few weeks. I don’t know if I will ever understand the reasoning behind all of this seemingly unnecessary death; but, there is one thing I know for sure. I know that God is good. I know that He has a plan for all of this. I know that His will is being done here in Ghana. I know that He will get glory from everything I have witnessed here.

My prayer while being here has been simple: that God would break my heart for what breaks His. I can honestly say that He has. My eyes have been opened in ways that I never thought they would be. I have truly been broken and then built back up in God’s strength and for His glory.

Ecclesiastes 3:1 &4 says: “For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven: a time to be born and a time to die….a time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance.” I feel as though I have seen and experienced all of those in my time here.I have watched over 10 babies born and I have also seen children die. I have wept and mourned but I have also laughed and danced!! It has not been all sorrow, there is always hope when we are dealing with our Savior!

Since arriving, there have been over 20 people come to know the Lord and are being discipled. Countless others have experienced God’s love and heard about Jesus through our ministries to villages as well as our evangelism efforts. The children here have taught me so much about joy and laughter. They have essentially nothing according to American standards, but if you ask me, they have it all. They are always laughing, always joking, and always loving. I do not think I have laughed so much in my life. I am so thankful for their love on the days when life feels too hard.

Every day I am learning. Every day my heart grows more and more. Every day I rely on God’s strength to power me through. Every day He provides. I am so thankful for your continued prayers! I can feel their power in my time here. God is doing great things and I cannot wait to share them with you all soon.

Much love! Mary

My Prayer for Ghana

This has been my prayer during my time in Ghana. I pray that my heart's desire does not change when I get back to America.

 Father,
I give You my life. I invite You to have Your way in me. Take me and break me. Shake me and make me. Fill me and spill me. Change me and rearrange me. But whatever You do, Lord..don't leave me the same. Spirit of wisdom and revelation, I welcome Your work. Open my eyes so I can see, my ears so I can hear. I choose truth over comfort, challenge over complacency. Lord, make me forever Yours. And most of all, make me like You. Amen.

I have seen the Lord change me and break me. He has taught me and changed me. He has opened my eyes to the need here and the power of His salvation and healing in lives. We are going to a nicer hospital to help this week so it will be interesting to see the contrast between the clinic and hospital we have been working at and this new one. So far, I have learned so much about medicine and improvising in medicine but also so much about myself and my Savior. I cannot wait to see what more He is going to do in and through me.